Back-to-School Confidential


By on Tue, September 4, 2007

Night before school

All kids bathed, stories read, in bed by 8:30.

Day One

Up at 5:30, shower and dressed by 6:00

Breakfast of pancakes with warm syrup, sausages and fresh squeezed orange juice served with lecture on "a good breakfast fuels your brain".  Play Mozart for kids to kick-start the day.

Make lunch.  Food pyramid balanced lunch including mini-sandwiches cut into hearts, homemade lemonade, and napkins folded into delightful origami animals. Veggie florets with little bag of hugs and kisses treat and haiku note:

Your first day of school
Playing with friends, learning new things
Love you to the Moon

Dress kids in finest, Lolo in sweet back-to-school dress, matching leotards and barrettes, with shiny patent leather Mary Janes. Matching darling swing coat with backpack filled with new school supplies.

Walk Lolo to kindergarten with dog, arriving early for play time before class and chat with Moms.  Hang out for coffee with other parents after the bell rings, resume dog walk for extra exercise.


Day Two

Up at 6:00, shower and dressed by 6:30

Breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast and bacon with milk served with lecture on "eat quickly or we’ll be late for playtime".  Listen to NPR, drink coffee and discuss story with older kids.

Pack lunches of hot soup, and one large heart sandwich. Toss in carrots with ranch dip and fruit cup with spoon.  Add Sponge Bob napkin left over from summer birthday party, with mini Hallmark card for kids: "Have a fun day".

Dress Lolo in smart chinos, layered tops for comfort and playground friendly sneakers.  Can’t find barrettes but opt for oh-so-cute pigtails with matching rubber bands in favorite colors. Grab backpack, remove rocks, and sand. Replace broken pencils.

Walk Lolo to kindergarten, arriving just in time for line-up.  Head home to eat breakfast remnants from kids, telling self it’s good to recycle.


Day Three

Up at 7:00, Fall asleep in shower wake to ice water—dressed by 7:45.

Breakfast of cereal with milk and banana served while reading aloud "a full day of recommended vitamins" from box to salve Mom’s guilt. Pop in Disney sing-along video with sound off.

Lunch of apple, square sandwich with crust hacked off, and fruit roll-ups—hey it’s fruit isn’t it?—torn paper towel for napkin. Toss in post-it note: "Luv ya, Mom".

Dress Lolo in jeans and comfy tee shirt.  Spend 10 minutes looking for any shoes that match, settle on Hello Kitty rainboots to cries of "But it’s NOT RAINING, Mom." Comb hair, put lunch in backpack. Note to self: remove all rocks and sand "later".

Drive Lolo one block to school, circling parking lot 17 times looking for parking place. Carry child to class dropping her at the door just as the late bell rings.  Take nap in parking lot.


Day Four

Up at 7:30, look at shower ... sigh.  Wash drool from corners of mouth, pull on sweats and flip-flops.

Breakfast of cereal with water. Remind kids to go easy on the milk so we have some for breakfast. Turn on "My Gym Partner’s A Monkey".  Justify actions, as "you can’t protect them forever."

Pack one of those delicious Lunchables that the kids love so much - pre-cooked hot dogs with peanut butter and jelly.  Add ketchup packet for vegetable.  Scrawl, "Mommy loves you" in sharpie inside lunchbox lid. This takes care of lunch notes for rest of year.

Dress Lolo in jeans (from yesterday), mismatched socks and sandals—the only shoes I can find. Spit on bangs and pull back from face, leave lunch sitting on the kitchen table.

Drive Lolo one block to school parking in fire zone and avoiding glares from Moms dressed in suits who arrived early.  Explain that "getting to school late" is an appropriate expression of self-confidence and that rules were created by the bourgeois to oppress the proletariat.

Return to car, bang head on steering wheel. Return home to the comfort of Judge Judy.


Wonder if Slim Jims and Coke constitute a reasonable breakfast. Add gummi bears for fruit. Scream "Hurry Up!" over the blare of cartoon network’s "Two Stupid Dogs" (don’t ask). Remind kids that there are children who can’t afford Slim-Jims, so quit complaining.

Dole out lunch money

Explain to Lolo that wearing pajamas and slippers to school is the latest craze. Cut bangs out of eyes with toenail clippers.

Drive Lolo one block to school parking directly in the playground, which is now empty since the kids are in class.  Push Lolo towards the classroom while speeding off before anyone can get my license number.

Return home and eye beer in fridge. It’s happy hour somewhere, right?