If you have chosen to be in a couple relationship, you will have times of disagreement between you. If you wish to avoid all disagreements, you will need either to be single, or find a very submissive partner. If you are a healthy couple, you will need to establish rules for disagreements. Each couple has to establish their own rules for fair fighting. These rules need to be tailor made for your relationship. It is a good idea once you have agreed upon rules for fair fighting, that you write down these rules and both sign the agreements.

While each couple needs to have their own particular set of rules, they should resemble something like the following list.

Rule one: Keep the verbal differences private. Fighting in front of other people is embarrassing to others, and usually is a power play by the one who is more verbally skilled, or does not mind the embarrassment of airing the couple’s problems before others. It is also disastrous to fight in front of your children. Parents must be a team as much as possible when dealing with their children. Parents who fight openly before the family can traumatize their children.

Rule two: Stay on topic. It is easy to let the difference spread to all topics and become a garbage dumping session. Such verbal fighting will never get resolution; rather it will intensify the fighting between you.

Rule three: Establish time out signals. When a couple has an emotional fight, the intensity can become overwhelming. Smart couples establish signals for time outs, and always establish a time to get back to the difference after a short time out. A good signal to have a time out is to use hand signals like football players do when they request a time out during a football game.

Rule four: Declare the topic for disagreement. Try to discover exactly what you are fighting about, and work towards resolution of that particular issue.

Rule five: Offer solutions with criticisms. If you criticize without offering solutions, you are “garbage dumping” and you will intensify the hostility. The point of all disagreements is to come to resolution, not destroy your relationship.

Rule six: Never say “you never, or you always”. Vast generalizations destroy the point of your agreement, and do not work towards resolution. Rather it intensifies the fighting and leads to deeper emotional hurts.

Rule seven: Establish emotional belt lines. We are all vulnerable and insecure in some areas. Healthy couples understand these areas of vulnerability and do not hit below the belt unless they intend to escalate the hostilities. Belt lines however cannot be around the neck. Discuss belt lines when you are in harmony, and understand some topics need special guidance like finding a mediator to help navigate these hurting areas.

Rule eight: Do not save up hostilities until the breaking point. If you are conscious about your issues, it is important to release the differences gentle from time to time. Saving up hostilities until emotions are extreme, will catapult you into disaster.

Rule nine: Schedule arguments. It is always wise to request ahead of time a time and place to discuss differences. Requesting appropriate times for arguing is respectful and supports resolution.

Rule ten: “When you’re wrong admit it, when you’re right, shut up”. Ogden Nash.